So i worked this morning...it was god awful...as usual, than immediatley afterwards i went to train some jiu jitsu, if felt good to get some live rolling in :) i think my passion for jiu jitsu was just reunited, i need to get back to training 5 days a week. I also cashed my last three checks today and it was nice to see myself going negative to positive (not literally of course, its been a few months since ive overdrawn...being broke as hell sucks...and thats why i steal my internet connection lol). But the part that sucks is knowing in a week and a half next semester starts and ima spend quite literally all of that on books...rent is always tough the month a semester starts :\ I've also been bumping One Be Lo all day today, i forgot how bomb the guys from binary star really are...music is my life! I also talked to one of my old buddies for the first time in MONTHS yesterday, he was thinkin bout swingin down to visit today but its gettin later in the day and i dont think he's gonna make the drive this late lol i wouldnt either, im sure we'll chill someday soon though. Hmmm what else? Unno, i'll post more later. peace

Ya know the only reason it's bugging me so much is cause i was finally comfortable being me...and now i can tell im already hiding myself and worrying about how people perceive me, i had all but gotten over caring what others thought and was just able to express exactly who i am...not anymore...

I just dont feel like dealing with people in general today, works gonna suck.

Well i dropped a couple hundred dollars on a netbook today, hopefully itll help me keep up in classes and such this coming semester, me and john are both sort of on the point of either we're gonna stick it out and finish school or our college careers are done. Otherwise today i went to work, nobody i particularly care for worked today except my neighbor moza lol. Afterwards i came home and cleaned a little in my apartment then went to fitness class at fargobjj...it was nice to get a ridiculously exhausting workout in, all the stress ive been having lately helped me to push even harder in the workout which felt good, im sure ill be sore tomorow, i only work another 3hr shift again so i might go try and get some open mat time in or atleast workout after i get off. I need to start finding more time to do that, especially now that coach is sorta of putting more responsibility on us as students. Im glad he is, it will be that much more motivation for me to keep increasing my game. My mind is still on the issues of yesterday, of course, but i just dont want to give a shit about it...otherwise its been just a chill and uneventful day. Peace

I come with a disclaimer...i really do, when i start talking to most people fairly close to the beginning i flat out tell them, hey if you dont want me talking to you, or if you dont like who i am simply tell me to fuck off. And im sincere about it, i know how to take a hint, if ya just tell me to fuck off i'll get it, not questions, ill leave you alone. Ive been fucked over time and time again so i dont like wasting my time, so id rather have someone just tell me, hey fuck off, and be done with it. And perceptions are interesting. The way we each individually see and experience the same occurance differently, sometimes wildly differently. I guess i've never had anything but good intentions...apparently that makes me a creepy weirdo. And i get it, but thats why i have the option to tell me to fuck off...Anyway that's the last i have to say about this, life goes on, got more important things to be thinking about anyway. peace

Right now...i just feel like people can fuck off in general.

Im beginning to fear that i wont be able to keep this 'fake smile' on much longer...life seems to be fucking me again lately. No wonder i keep to myself, no wonder i dont open up more, no wonder i dont trust people. Life isnt just some simple joy, and even when you work at it more often than not things just turn out fucking you over anyway. I was finally growing comfortable with being me again, around the people i love (yes love, people too much meaning behind that word, i love my friends, they are my family). I dont wanna deal with shit like this, that's why i moved to fargo to avoid the constant drama, why cant people just understand each other, instead they say something but mean another, say what you mean or don't even bother. Im just sick of wasting my time, and i know im just sounding like a fucking 12yr old girl ranting on about it...but shit i guess some of them must get life better or something...ive been through hell and back, and all i wanna do nowadays is try to enjoy the rest of my life and spend it with people i enjoy the company of..is that too much to ask for. What a day...fuck it all anyway...peace

Some things in life i will just never understand. Sometimes you learn things that just do something to a person. I found myself pacing in an adrenaline induced rage. The most obscene cruel thoughts rushing through my head of what i would be capable of doing to another human being if ever need be. I dont think i could stop myself if such a situation arose, i would not quit until somebody pulled me off. Some things people do are simply unnaceptable. Thats all i can say, the rest is too personal. I just needed to write this to remind myself in the future just how disgusting human beings can be. If you are one of these people i hope i find you...i hope the alley is dark, and i hope the streets are too loud to hear screams. You will get whats coming.

So i was looking at a picture i took of my own eye in macro mode on my camera and thought. That tiny little black dot of a pupil has recieved visual signal of an entire 21 years of life. Aproximately 662256000 seconds, 11037600 minutes, 183960 hours, 7665 days, 1071 weeks, 252 months...or 21 years (as of feb 24 2010 that is). My brain has processed and interpreted every single small visual detail of every single fraction of a fraction of second. Can you even comprehend how much information that is, how much power in relation to say a computer processor that would take, could you imagine how many times you would've had to reboot your latest computer to keep that memory going. Clearing your cache innumerable times. Emptying the recycle bin of the trash you don't need, some you wish you could undelete but it's too late and you already forgot what they were. And i look at my skin...what a beating my body has taken over the last several years. Scar tissue covering just about every inch of my hands, my skins battered with memories of pain, hazardous situations at work, stupid stunts, drunken fights and tumbles. I see the wrinkles underneath the scars and realize just how many times i must have moved even that single finger to wear that many microscopic stretches and creases into the skin. As i can hear some of my joins crack and pop and grind i remember the injuries they endured and know of the arthritic pain ahead of me. I feel the pain in my lower back put there from years of hard work, heavy lifting with bad posture. My left shoulder blade makes me wince in pain as i recal the tearing feeling of several injuries sustained while working docks. I feel the difference in the way i walk every single day from the injury in my left ankle, and every day i step on the mat at jiu jitsu this ankle injury comes back to my mind in the worst ways. We sort of become an imprint of all of those experiences, all of those senses, we are the sum of every action we have made and those made upon us. We are harddrives of unimaginable storage power, we are machinery of immense strength and endurance with rare overhalls if any. But even so we are destructable, we are fragile, we have a weakness called emotion. But we have a strength will and heart. and every...EVERY..single one is completely different, i dont care how similar some may look, some may act, but deep down they are different in every single way (this is how i would describe a 'soul'). There is that essence of a person, if you look hard enough into someones eyes you can almost see it, you can almost feel it. But many people nowadays are too afraid to look into another human beings eyes...and that fear, that emotion is our weakness becuz it can stop us from 'living'.

I've always had this weird feeling that i would die a martyr...for something...obviously not any sort of religious martyrdom...cuz i dont like religion, but i feel like i will die for something for some cause or defending something. Maybe becuz im so stuck on being remember for all time, and people who give their lives for something usually have some sort of recognition. But i dont just want recognition, i want every single being from now till the end of time to know who i was and to be influenced in one way or another by my existance...sounds crazy right...well i guess im just a little nuts than. Peace

I can clearly see and take a picture of the moon almost full from my bedroom window at 4:30pm...interesting, i kinda wanna just sit here and watch it as the night comes to watch the transition of the sky around it...hmmm

For some reason, and im not complaining lol, im in a great mood today!!! Ive been smiling all morning :) my friend is going in for surgery today, she just got off the plain a little bit ago, i know everything is gonna go smoothly though even if for the simple fact that it feels that way, when she found out she had the tumors i felt off and knew something was wrong, but right now everything feels right in the world! Anyway so this whole blog business really relieves some stress, not as much as like jiu jitsu or working out does, but it gets alot of the emotional stuff off my chest. Its like if i know im putting it out there for the world to be able to see, even though they never will, than nothing can be going that bad..right? Well that's how its going so far anyway. I might have already mentioned this but im writing a book, and im gonna write myself into it to in a sense 'live forever'. Im gonna ask my closest friends to describe how they see me, then im gonna take all that with my vision of myself and write myself into all the character and poems. Im in a sense going to come as close to recreating who i am through the words of the book. So in theory anyone who ever reads it will pretty much come to know who i was. peace

I think until lately i had forgetten how to smile. Until this person i met a few months after moving to fargo reminded me. I was just thinking about this cuz i was smiling from laughter watching whose line is it anyway for the last like 2hrs. I forgot how much i love that show it reminds me of back in like the 8th grade when me and aaron would watch it. I like how things can bring you back to a different time and you can almost recreate the memory in full detail and emotion in your mind. Anyway, i love to smile, i hope that i can smile so much people start calling me 'smiley' again lol, just cuz then i'll know i must be happy if im smiling all the time. Also i got 2 c's and 2 d's for grades this semester...fml...so i have to make sure full damn well i get straight a's next sem or i'm fucked!!!! Im going to rearrange my life a little so i know i'll get back on track. lovelife. peace

I was thinking today that i kinda came about in a sort of transition. When i was younger i was on the internet all the time on social networks and such, i played alot of video games, i knew alot about computers, etc etc...back then i woulda prolly been labeled as a nerd had i not acted differently from that perception...but nowadays it is commonplace and accepted. Everyone has a myspace or facebook and spends ridiculous amounts of time on the internet (what i accomplished in a 5hour sitting on a 56k dial up modem back then i culd do in one click on my neighbors stolen wifi connection though). Everyone knows how to troubleshoot computer problems that are now no big deal. Everyon plays video games, even though i actually dont anymore. So it seems kind of weird that right about the time i was growing out of it everyone else was beginning to accept it...bastards...lol. And i simplified that thought alot it doesnt only boil down to internet and video games that's just what brought about the thought. peace

At work...soooo bored!

Goodmorning, yep thats me, just got outa the shower, gettin ready for yet another day at work. Glad to see the snow stopped and is being cleared, maybe i can actually get too the store to get groceries after work! tomorow jiu jitsu classes resume so ill be gettin my ass kicked back into shape! cant wait. peace

FWD:

Btw like i said a guy came in with shorts on during a blizzard...FAIL!

I officially hate my own mind...so ive been watching alot of movies the last few days out of boredom in an attempt to save that last sliver of sanity left while stuck in an apartment during a blizzard. And i realized that i hate the fact that i absoluetly love movies, i have a great ability to just lose myself in a film and emotionally attach myself to it...so when it's over it's always almost a dissapointment. All it does is reminds me of the things in my life i wish were different. A success story reminds me how i'm still 'in the gutter,' a romance reminds me how alone i really feel, comedies and action movies remind me how plain life usually really is. I dont think my mind ever wants to be happy, i want to be, but i feel it restricts me. All i ever end up doing is setting myself up for dissapointment after dissapointment...maybe i set my standards too high, maybe i expect life to 'have a fairytale ending'...simple fact is life is nothing like movies, you can't sum up a lifetime of experiences, emotions, decisions, stress, loss, love, happiness, sadness, pain, butterflies in your stomach, etc etc into a 90min hollywood bullshit story. And my mind just doenst want to accept that fact i guess. Im not all despressed about it, but it does sort of bother me, and i just feel alone even more writing about it to no-one on a blog. This whole winter shit being stuck indoors in an apartment alone is really starting to suck. I need to get my ass moved to california before i lose my mind. Hopefully this whole getting a house thing with my brothers works out atleast. Then i'll have a place where i can actually have ppl over and not constantly worry if ima get a noise complaint or some other bullshit. Peace

The only way to know what a 'north dakota winter' is like...is to experience a few...i've lived here since '95 and i still am sick of them, you would think by now i'd be used to driving in just shit conditions, having to wake up early to shovel, etc etc etc...but nope. I had to go to work this morning at 10am so i woke up early cuz i knew it was gonna be pretty bad out, then i looked out my bedroom window and saw this car that had been almost completely drifted over...i shook my head and got ready. As i walked out the back door of my apartment building there was a waist high drift blocking the door...so i put my shoulder into it and pushed until i could squeeze out, i had to climb through that drift than over the snow piled up from them clearing the parking lot..i thought huh well atleast they cleared the parking lot, until i noticed it created a wall of snow in front of the garage doors...fuck..spent a few minutes shoveling that away to where i knew i could get my car out and thru the parking lot, then within the first 20 or so feet out of the parking lot i got stuck, not bad, but enough to worry me, i thought about just trying to get it back in the parking lot and calling in till they plowed the roads...got out of my car looked down the street, thought about it for a second and decided fuck it, i pinned that bastard to the floor and kept as much speed as i could without stopping till i got to work. I cant believe how many people ventured out into a blizzard...to shop for fucking clothes, are you that fucked in the head, come on. And as i was sizing and colorizing racks i noticed a guy in a light leather jacket, a baseball hat...and fucking shorts. The trip back home wasnt as iffy, except for the fact that there was glare ice now, and fresh wet powder on top of it so i had no traction whatsoever. Fucking north dakota weather...

Sitting at work thinking bout what sort of legacy i'll leave behind, barely made it thru snow! wierd that a movie like adventureland wuld inspire such thought!

So I'm laying in bed and figured I'd write a little from my iPod, so pardon the autocorrects and spelling issues due to the touchscreen keyboard. I'm laying here wondering how personal I will get, I figure the more I post the more comfortable I'll get, despite only writing this for my own use I figured I'd leave it as public just cuz you never know who culd stumble across this and maybe get something from it, just know that's not my intention or reason for writing, anyway, I've been struggling with the idea of a relationship lately. On one hand my loneliness as of late is reaching out almost desperately for any chance of a relationship, but I fear all I'm doing is ruining my chances of fonding a real and good relationship. I think I'm just blinding myself to the real opportunities I have, I hope I am wrong though. On the other hand I'm not sure if I did end up in a relationship that is have the time or means to maintain it mutually happily. I am going to school again this coming semester and it is going to be by far my busiest and toughest semester of college. I also have to start looking for a new job soon an worry about getting a house in may and all the added financial burden thall go along with that. I'm also still training jiu jitsu and plan on kicking it up a notch after new years as I guess sort of a resolution if you will. So as much as I want it I'm not sure I have the capacity to add another thing to my plate, especially another thing that needs much of my focus and attention. On the subject of kicking it up a notch, and I guess with school too, I feel like I hit a wall and need to climb over it. It seems that I've had enough of half adding everything and am motivated to get going on achieving and being successful. I'm gathering the means to hopefully be successful and keep up in college. And I'm finally gonna make my body the masterpiece it shuld be. Me and elise were actually discussing this the other day, how the human form is art, and the most beautiful form at that. We had some disagreement on the details though. Elise...my musical soulmate lol, it's wierd how much music means to ppl, especially me. But I'll save that for another post, gotta work 10am, getta see both my twins again tomorow :) peace

Btw, Merry Christmas!

I dont have a whole lot to say today, im switching from the blog i started a few days ago on my myspace to this so i am able to more easily post from my ipod touch and via txt msging as well. so i'll just copy and past the past few days of those blogs in this one and continue on from there i guess.

12/24/09
Woke up this morn to quite a bit of snow...yay...sarcasm. Had to work on Christmas eve, and do on the 26th as well so I didn't go home for christmas. I got to see my B and Sarah, I love my twins! :) I hadn't seen either of them in a few weeks and missed them ALOT. After work I came home and just chilled watching a few movies and lifitng weights, watching the movie 'pumping iron' has got me really motivate to not I my get in better shape but also getthe definition I've wanted. Not much else to say tonite. Peace

12/23/09
I guess i dont have a whole lot to say about today. I woke up bout 1130 and saw that john was still in bed, he wanted to hit the road for home by noon to beat the storm...but we all know that wasn't gonna happen anyway. So i woke him up so hopefully he'd go asap. He managed to get out of here by about 230ish lol. I scanned my computer more, got a few more programs, im tryin to completely fix it so i have a computer to use for next semester. im gonna actually try to buckle down and get through college this time, one more semester done bad and im kicked out...so ya...Anyway i watched a few movies out of boredom today, one was 500 days of summer...k say what ya want, whatever, dont care, im just a fan of zooey deschanel. SHE&HIM, not the normal 'type' of music i'd listen to but there's something about her voice that just...i unno...she's an intriguing human being in general. Anyway so lately ive been reminded of the concept of taking things for granted, and humbling, etc. And i really like the whole idea of like 'mother nature' more so than i have ever liked the idea of a god etc. To where like our life cycle ends and as we decompose it fuels the life of plants, those plants are eaten by animals, we eat the animals and plants to continue our existance...in a very simplistic way of putting it. But that idea intrigues me. Also in days like these i really am grateful for the friends i have. No matter how rough life gets i know they are thier if i need it, even though i dont usually ask for or even open myself enough to show it, i am grateful beyond words can explain. Sometimes however i wish i could just make all their problems go away so much that i take their problems as my own so they dont have to deal with things as much and it does wear on me, as strong as i wanna believe i am, it still slowly chips away at me. But thats a whole nother conversation in itself..so ask me about it if ya wanna lol. Um otherwise i dont have much else to say today. Peace

12/22/09
Current mood: miserable
I woke up just in time to get ready for work, didnt eat much for breakfast, didnt really feel that hungry. As i got out of my car i didnt know if it was the lack of sleep, the small breakfast, the cold weather, etc or what...but something just seemed off. I txtd '

Something just...doesnt feel...right...this morning. We'll see what happens i guess :..'
to my facebook status at 9:56am....as i went to lunch i got a txt at 12:22pm from a friend, her cancer was back :( and she has to get tumors surgically removed w/i the nxt 72hrs...thats a fucked up christmas. Its not been a good week for my friends. After lunch i consciously held back just emotionally losing control for the next four or so hours, with a job that is just mindless drone work you are basically left with your thoughts. And all i could think about is if my friend was gonna be OK, and how my twins were holding up with the recent loss of their grandpa, etc etc. It was not an easy day to say the least. After work i was just emotionally drained so i decided i wasnt gonna have the energy to do jiu jitsu today like i had planned, so ive been between naps and trying to fix my computer the rest of the day. I dont work tomorow so i was gonna go use my fake ID for the last time since it expires on christmas day, but i just wasnt in the mood, and i knew if i did i'd take it too far and just be an absolute mess anyway. Tomorow ill hopefully clean and workout, then who knows, i gotta work christmas eve and the 26th and 27th so i wont be going home at all for the holidays...which doesnt bug me too much but itd kinda be nice to get away for a day or two again. I need to start hittin the gym and more so the books extra hard next semester, and i'll be looking for a new job in january. hopefully by the time we get a house in may i'll have my life together...but i doubt it, as long as i keep working on it though i cant complain. Peace

12/21/09
Current mood: indifferent
I woke up at about 1, I sat around for a while waiting for john to get up so I wuldnt bug him by using his computer to sign up for classes. It was taking too long so I did it anyway, I'm taking 4 psych classes nxt semester, it's gonna be super tough but I gotta start grindin through it or I won't get anywhere. I think I've finally hit a wall as far as that goes, to where I realize I need to start taking somethings, no matter how inimportant And a pain in the ass they are to me, more serious. I then worked on my book and listened to some doomtree for a while. I was gonna go to bjj today but my arms still super sore from yesterdays workout so I decided to take a break, I'm glad I did cuz I decided to watch avatar online, it was amazing, easily one of the best movies I've probably ever seen, I absolutely lost myself in it, and I love when that happens with a movie, it's the closest escape from reality I get nowadays :) now me and john are gonna watch so e southpark eps and then ima get to bed soon, gotta work at 10am, so peace

12/20/09
Current mood: relaxed
Today was uneventful, I grow complacent in days like these. I woke up a lil before noon and me and jeremy just sat around and talked for a while, he left by about 1 and I decided to look up netbooks and laptops for next semester of college, I hope of will help me keep up in class with taking notes and such. Not much luck in finding one yet though. I then put on some kanye and worked out for a bit, nothing too tough, just some upper body and abs. I went to work after showering. Work was slow, boring and stressful as always, I find it ever harder to control my anger at work, I find the sweari g I usually do u def my breath is growing ever louder. The phrase 'you stupid fucking people' seems to repeat over and over in my head, I don't believe I can stick this job out much longer, I'm gonna start looking for another job in the beginning of January. I love alot of the ppl I work with, especially my twins, moza, steph, court, josie, Jordan, etc etc..there only a few ppl I dnt care for at work...which is hard to come by, but the job itself, the customers, the corporations bullshit, is all just too stressful for my already overstressed easily irritable self. Anyway after work I came home and ate and txtd my miss ellisavet for a bit :) and now trying not to fall asleep while watching apocalypse now redux. It's good so far, but really long!!! G'night, peace

12/19/09
Current mood: drained
I woke up at about ten am today, me and jeremy were watching American beauty than started to watch dazed and confused and just generally bullshitted and joked, we decided we'd go work out bout 1/130ish. But as it got closer I decided to txt my lil sis (or so I call her :) cuz she pretty much is). She was freakin out cuz her mom had called her at work and said there was a family emergency Nd she was coming to pick her up, but she couldn't get a hold of her mom so she didn't know whAt was going on, I started to get worried too. She soon found out her grandpa had passed away, so we talked about it for a bit, I already feel like I've said too much, it's her personal business I guess so I'm not gonna share any more detail. But it got me thinking about my own life, and about the concept of death, lately I had almost grown to not be so afraid as I used to be, but today I realized I'll nvr not be afraid of death, especially when I dnt believe in an afterlife. To me this life is all there is to the 'meaningful' part of my existance as we perceive it. It also made me think again how much I take the friends and ppl I love for granted...I need to make an effort to spend more time with the ones near, and to keep better in touch with ppl further away, friends I used to see everyday I now talk to once every few months if I'm lucky Nd that's usually only by txt or facebook or the likes...kinda pathetic on my part when I think about it. Anyway after talkin to my sis me and jeremy went to the wellness center to workout, neither of us had a whole lot of energy so we started kinda slow on some machines and dumbells etc. But quickly jeremy didn't feel good, it was wierd and had to explain, but regardless we left. When we got back we sat down and discussed and wrote down a checklist of what we want to look for in the house we rent come may when our leases run out. It got me very excited and motivated, especially for the part of how we r gonna turn the basement into pretty much a club/venue. Soon after I had to go to work... I won't even bother exposing that shit.. Came home and caught the end of poultrygeist...it was diff lol...now I'm in bed at 3am, so goodnight. Peace

12/18/09
So I ask a question sometimes that goes something like 'tell me something random that I wuldnt guess about you' and someone the other day replied 'I keep a daily journal'. It sorts took me back to when I was younger and now and then in a notbook I'd write rhymes in I used to sorts put journalish entries in now And then, and I thought well shit I she just write on a blog and do sorta the same, I appologized for the spelling and grammar issues, iPod touches aren't the easist to type on, that is if anyone ever stumbles upon this...So let's start with today, I woke up after a piss poor night of not sleepi g to take a comm final at 8am...fml, I mkae it on time but as I'm walking from my car to the lecture hall I notice my ribs feel like they are tearing and I almost felt like fainting...it sucked to say the least. Bombed that final and came home to try and take a nap and hopefully get some sleep for once, woke up about two and could hardly roll over in bed, yep my ribs again, I managed to get up and I instanly put a heating pad on my left side cuz it was worse. I tried to write on my short story I just started working on but I was sorta stuck at where the story should go, so I sent the first 7 pages to 3 ppl I trust ALOT and feel know me best to be able to guide me. I decided to scratch where it was going and go back to a more normal story. Finally 530 rolled around and I headed off to jiu jitsu, coach has been pretty sick so he had me lead the warm up, so I was wincing a lil in pain as I did jumping jacks. By the time class was over my ribs felt stretched out and loose so they didn't really hurt, so I decided to stick around for fitness class, it aS pretty brutal compared to most Fridays but I need that. Got home and showered an did the dishes, by that time it was almost 10pm so we rolled out to go see the homies kipp g and big zach do a set at the nestor, always love to see those guys perform, the def inspire me. Decided to call it an early night cuz I'm exhausted so I'm hoping that means I'll actually get a lil bit of sleep tonight, cross my fingers. Peace

...there ya have it so far. peace