Waitin to go on air and bust out some acapellas!

I like hearing from people i havent heard from in ages. Its nice to sort of be brought back to memories of the times in which you did communicate regularly, its almost worth losing touch sometimes, just to reconnect and catch up. Good news too, one of my favorite musicians is tryin to book a show for a few days before my 21st!!!!! so pumped, he said if he makes it we’ll do it up right for my bday lol, always fun to party with musicians you look up to. Hmm what else, school’s startin to get hectic and stressful, this whole actually trying thing is really starting to wear on me, but i guess i gotta just try keepin on pushin through it. Also last night i was in a really weird mood, another one of those, ‘holy shit im about to turn 21, where the fuck did all that time go, i dont have much time left on earth so i best get goin’ type of moods…its weird how one can feel so old at such a young age, but i guess being the type of person who always figured id be dead by 21 its kind of understandable. I mean i thought life would be over with  by now, so i almost gave in and somewhat fell behind, i need to start playin catch up so if i am gonna live for a while ill atleast be able to do it enjoyably. I want to get to the financial state to where i can just be sitting around with friends and family and say ‘so where do you guys wanna go to this week, singapore? ok ill call my private pilot’. I want to be able to enjoy life and do everything and anything i ever want to without worries, i hate being so damn stressed out all the time, my heart physically hurt this morning..i fear its finally starting to really take its toll, im constantly in a state of stress and high alertness…if i dont get past all this shit soon im just gonna end up with more problems than i started with…luckily i remain opitimistic somehow…i just know life will turn out ok…or atleast i tell myself that to keep myself going and sane. peace

Well winter this year can officially suck one…hard…its a chore just to stay standing on ones own two feet just walkin from building to building between classes…i even have fucken boots on but the ice is so slick on ALL of the sidewalks that i have to almost stomp each foot down to make sure it find even pressure as so it wont slip from underneath me. I saw 1 personally fully eat shit on the pavement and innumerable people come ever so close…including myself on many occassions. This is beyond rediculous…and getting fucking old. I feel like i am the only one with a brain too, people walking around in just a sweatshirt and some with no sort of hat or earmuff on…ok i dont mind the cold weather either, and can handle it better than most..but im not a fucking moron, we’re all human, we’re all suseceptible to frost-bite and exposure, and if i have to wear a goofy lookin face mask while walking to class you better damn sure believe im gonna. Id rather have fucken morons look at me like “whos this douche with a face-mask on, has he never seen winter before” than to damage the skin on my face for the remainder of my life from the exposure of extreme cold temperatures and wind…fuck that shit!!! peace

So im sitting in the mall using their free wifi cuz i have no internet in my apartment currently. And i now understand my buddy’s hate for crowds…im not sure why not of all times, i normally dont really mind crowds but there is some sort of being watched in this setting..i feel like what i am doing is being observed, and truthfully it to an extent probably is. I mean i personally ‘people watch’ so whats to say that someone isnt watching me and wondering what im typing on my netbook, and what im texting, and whats on my mind. Time like now is when i realize just how alert and aware i am, i believe i would do great in a combat/war situation for that fact alone. I am hyper-aware to what is going on around me, without realizing it unless i pay attention to what my senses are doing i know just about everything that is going on within my visible reach. I trace the movements of all the people walking, know where people are sitting in my vacinity, i know where my nearest exits are. If some sort of emergency situation would arise i feel id be the last person to panic and the first person to grab my phone and take action no matter what it entailed whether that meant helping or evacuating myself.I wonder if i am the only person who contemplates such things in as innocent a setting as a small midwest mall…and i wonder why i do, all it does is adds stress to my mind that is completely unnecessary in normal everyday situations. Me and my buddy had always entertained the idea of joining the military, but as of late i realized that i no longer an option for me, but he seems to be getting closer to actually doing it with getting sick of college and of drinking. We’ll see where it goes though, i just know that anymore i would not be able to commit myself to such a decision. I could not sign my soul to the government, i could not sign up to be sent overseas into a combat situation that is not an active defense of our country. The only way i would ever do it now is if the US ever had to directly defend itself against an enemy military, i would be the first to sign up! …note to self…hope that situation never arises….So far school is going good, i wish i had a littel more time to get on here and update my life, but frankly without internet in my apartment and my school day spent on school work i dont have time to get to some source of internet to just update very often. Im actually between working on reading assignments and going to jiu jitsu so i figured id stop by the mall to check blackboard and my ndsu email before class. Jiu jitsu has been going really good lately, i still need to get the physical energy to last through all the classes on MWF like i did all summer. But hopefullysoon, and tomorow we are taking a class picture at the academy so i will throw taht up on here as soon as i get a copy of it. Off to class early to workout beforehand. Peace

Waitin for Big O to wrap up 'time to hit da streetz' so i can get on and do my show as captain awsum on 'pm to am hip hop bpms' check it at kndsradio.com live streaming!
CB#: 7018710311

FWD:

...i dont even have to say anything...fail

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Whenever i sit in the MU i like to 'people watch'. i love watching social interactions, especilly when theres sreally akward ones. Also watching people of totally different cultures interact is super interesting...prolly why im taking cultural psych...But its just weird to really analyze a complete stranger as objectively as possible. You can really learn alot about people that way in general.

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Sitting in the MU wondering what people around me are thinking...my mind wanders everywhere, im just curious where all of theres are wandering to too...?

I had an interesting conversation that i never expected to seriously have at 20, i was talking to someone lightly about how many kids i want and what genders and order etc. And i realized how selfish the reasons are, in alot of cases it is what ideally you would’ve liked to have for siblings and what order you wanted to come in. I guess i’ve always had some inclination to have wanted a little sister, im not sure why, but i think it is the reason i have so many female friends. Well whatever im thinking about a topic too much that i should have no thoughts on as of now. I also had a convo with someone i didnt expect to talk about life with. She had a really good point, ‘go see the world while your still young and able to without society looking down on it and setting you back, and especially before some dumb girl comes along and takes away your freedom to do so’…or something to that extent…So i think after college ima try to travel through europe, the asias, and south america as much as possible for a few months before coming back and finishing my art schooling. Then hopefully after that i can move from city to city acquiring apprenticeships at tattoo shops all across the U.S. probably 6 months at a time, calculating and planning my next six months as soon as i settle. This way i’ll get to see as many sides of this country as i can and be able to get as many perspectives on the art of tattooing from as many shops and artists as i can. I realize i wont be able to hold down very good jobs for 6 months at a time cause most places wont want to hire me like that, so i realize i will have to live in the same broke-ass conditions i am in now for a few more years after college, i just hope that in the end when all is said and done i will have acquired a vast and open outlook on life in general and have had as many amazing and educational experiences as possible in as many conditions and locations as possible. After that hopefully ill have the ability to know where i want to spend the majority of my life and open a shop of my own there. Establishing myself and hopefully gaining the financial means to sustain myself comfortably for the rest of my life…just a tentative outline of where i see my career/educational life going…peace

FWD:

I have hair again!

So i think im on the verge of getting back into a regular sleep pattern, its just as exhausting as having a fucked up one. I woke up so tired this morning, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Im also def getting used and liking not having constant ability to access the internet from my apartment…i dont think john’s diggin it too much though lol. I feel like im actually gonna be productive as far as school goes this semester. I have saturday off of work so besides studying im going to spend a few hours on a calendar/daily planner template figuring out what i have to do as far as what i have to read, what assignments i have to do, day to day, for this entire semester. It will be planned out to the point where i can wake up every morning and go look on the fridge to see what exactly im going to do pretty much hour to hour that day as far as eating, studying, work, classes, what to read, what assignments to do, etc etc. Its going to be stressful having my life completely planned with little wiggle room, but it will be good for me, it will hopefully get me the 4.0 im shooting for, and it will definately show the school that i’m serious in my pursuit of a degree if i need to appeal academic probation next semester. As far as im concerned this is the beginning of the successful end to my main college career!!! On other notes work blows as always, its been super dead and all we’ve been doing is checking the entire store for scannable tags on every item to get ready for inventory. Its fucken boring. Hrrrm also sarah’s seemed super sad lately and i dont like seeing my friends sad :\ so hopefully she works out whatevers buggin her!!! And me and jeremy are gonna start scheduling time to sit down and work on our music, so hopefully that will get into full swing like we’ve been working towards lately. Overall all things are going pretty well right now, im busy, im stressed, but im in a good place mentally and emotionally…fairly optimistic for once too!!! Peace

So far i’ve had 2 classes today, and they both seem pretty chill, my cultural psych prof is a trekky (sketchy) but he seems like he’ll be a very chill and easy going teacher. My forensic prof is very suprisingly chill, i figured that’d be my toughest class but i feel like a kindergartner in there cuz we take  2min break every half hour…christ might as well have nap time too…but im def not complaining bout that cuz it’ll be alot less stressful as i prepared for, im still going to stick to my tentative schedule ive made for this semester to keep myself on track, i cant fall behind, there is no room left for error, ive already made my mistakes and learned from them…so now its time to buckle down and grind through the rest of it so i can get done with college and get on with life. Ive been sleeping extra shitty the last few nights, sunday night was just crazy, i musta woke up a thousand times and woke up all confused and flustered having no idea where i was or what was going on…it was kinda freaky to be frank. But i dunno i hope now that im gonna be back to a regular schedule that ill get back to a regular sleeping pattern and hopefully thatll help atleast somewhat…we’ll find out i guess. I’ve mended some friendships which also relieves alotta stress. I realized 2 things so far today though, 1. that im as stressed out at 20 as a wallstreet stock broker, so i think ive always been right in not expecting a very long life…ill be the death to myself by these means im sure. And 2. that im very alert, more so than someone in my situation ever needs to be. Im probably commonly as alert as someone in a high terrorist activity zone…Its good under certain circumstances, but highly unnecessary and adding much unneeded stress on top of everything else. So just 2 more things to get in order in my life i guess…im hoping come may i’ll be able to be fairly happy living in a house, getting a new job once school is out, and just relaxing every now and then. Peace

I just realized sitting in the minutes before my second class that i am hyper-aware of my surroundings and situations almost always, im very alert.

So i havent had internet access in a while, and i do now only cuz im sitting at the mall on my brand new netbook, im downloading programs im gonna need for school this semester. Ive been between some highs and lows as far as moods go lately, but for the most part im pretty happy again, ive mended some friendships and talked things out. I’m very motivated to get thru school this semester, i started working on scheduling my week day by day hour by hour, so hopefully that will help, its down to everything from when i have class and work to what and when i eat. As long as i stick to it i think i’ll do fine in school, aimin high though, im shooting for a 4.0 this sem, i know im smart enough to do it too…it just comes down to whether or not i actually stick to the plan and do everything right. All i can do is try i guess. Peace

So i havent had internet for a few day, got quite a bit to say so ill wait to get in depth till i get back on a computer. quick overview-financial aid gone!, trying to mend a friendship, gonna schedule out my entire next semester day by day hour by hour so i can hopefully get a 4.0 and salvage my college career!, and lastly i feel hopeless yet optimistic about my future...ya confusing i know. peace

Dreams..memory..both absolutely amazing and crazy things. K, so i had this dream last night (and lately i've been having alot of dreams that i just didnt wanna wake up from cuz they were just that amazing) where i me and jeremy were in my room in my parents house digging through a bunch of my old stuff looking for something. There were some drawings he found, some i remember doing, others that i know dont exist. But then we were digging through some old health workbooks that i actually vaguely think were real, and inside one we found a few pen pal letters from like middle school, and i remember these very vividly. But the thing that amazed the hell out of me is i was able to read them and see the pictures that of the kids that sent them and everything...i cant believe somewhere in my memory those photographically still exist...makes me wonder what else is in there that i've long consciously forgot about. Good things and bad, that i thought were long lost and forgotten may still be hiding somewhere in the depths of my memories. I was also thinking, since ive had nothing to wake up for the last 2 days i neglected to set my alarm, and not only did i remember more of my dreams but i realized how unnatural it is to just interrupt your sleep with a loud buzzing noise. I wish i didnt have to wake up to an alarm every single day. Also i watched this movie last night that's got me rethinking the way i eat. It's called 'earthlings' its a documentary about the process animals go through to become our food, clothing, test subjects, zoo attractions, circus acts, etc etc...and to say the least it was throughly disgusting and grousome. It got to the point where i was holding back tears and vomit and could no longer stomach looking at the screen, it was made mostly of hidden camera footage of farms, slaughterhouses, etc. Im not sure how much i can stomach to eat meat anymore, so im gonna try to healthily restructure my diet to exclude as much meat products as possible. Everytime i go to the fridge and see that carton of eggs sitting there vivid images flash through my mind, almost like i got PTSD or something lol...but seriously watching ppl laughing and having fun debeaking baby chickens, or clipping baby pigs ears and tails so they didnt turn to cannibalism, etc etc...its just disgusting and cruel..and i hate knowing i support that...anyway got some shit to get done today. Peace

Just another exhausting day, i begin to wonder when this is all gonna end, will i ever be free of the stress of the 'daily grind'...cuz that's what it really is..i just grind through the days, am i ever gonna be able to sit back and enjoy 2 days in a row, without knowing that at the end of this day is just another stressor waiting for me...i mean it dsnt get me down anymore...but it gets old now and then. I just hope one day my life is how i want it to be, no more school, no more work, no more bills, just me and the things in life i want and doing the things i want to do...with no stress. Hmm otherwise today i woke up and went straight to work, apparently it got to like -30 today...christfuck good thing i went out on breaks to start my car for a few minutes. Then i got home and ate something, 7hr shift with no food gets kinda rough. It was nice to work with people i like too, that always helps, especially on slow days like sundays. Sat down at my computer and watched a movie and txtd a little bit here and there, now im thinkin about tryin to write a little bit then go to bed, i dont have anything going on tomorow to wake up at a decent time for, but i want to have energy for jiu jitsu later in the day so i figure i better get to bed soon. Also got some cleaning to do in the apartment tomorow. So i guess thats all for now. peace

So I guess as usual my mind starts wandering when I lay down to try
and sleep, what if my perception is wrong. What if I am the bad guy, I
mean you totally took my trust and skull-fucked it to death, but now
I'm not 100% sure of your intentions. Did you mean to tell me to fuck
off or did I misinterpret that, am I just some creepy fucken weirdo,
well fuck it, I'm not gonna bother with the stress or drama anyway. So
I really need to step my game up these next few months especially as
far as school, music, and jiu jitsu go...and I NEED a house in may or
ima seriously lose my effing mind! So step 1 find a new job, step 2
find the PERFECT!!!! house, step three have some fucking fun and enjoy
life now and then...swear to god ima just end up stroking myself out
one of these days, and with my luck it won't even kill me, just make
me that much more of a 'hideous fuckin C.H.U.D.' and have to live with
it lol. Anyway gonna try to sleep. Peace

Woke up today feeling extra shitty...coulda just as well died this morning, felt like a hangover...but i havent drank in over a month...combination of stress and exhuastion from last night's training sess i suppose. Luckily i had enough energy to get 2 loads of laundry done before work so that was good. Went to work and thoroughly hated life for the next 7hrs. Hopefully this week'll be a little better, i gotta work the full day tomorow so that's fucken lame. After work went and got groceries...bad idea to wait to grocery shop till its fucken 20 something below out. Got home and ate and am now on my computer listening to some silentarmy and facebookin it up...god im a loser..anyway gonna try to work on some writing, maybe a little on my book since ive been slackin there lately too. peace

Woke up pretty late today, these winter days get long. Sat around bored and alone tryin to find somethin to keep me busy, so i ended up watching a few movies and some whose line is it anyway on youtube. Luckily despite jiu jitsu being closed for new years there was some open mat time again today at 8pm. It was fucking intense, i stuck around for about nine or ten 5min rounds with only 30secs rest between. If you know anything about grappling that's quite a long time and an epic workout. It felt great though to get back in and just do some live rolling. I've only been making it to lvl1 and fitness lately so i havent been working alot on my actual game. I think i held my own pretty well with all things considered, especially with the fact that everyone i train with has a serious weight advantage on me. I dont mind that one bit though, if i get good like that than i'll be able to pull of the same things no problem on guys my size when i start doing some tournaments. Jiu jitsu more than anything ive ever done in my life just sort of calms me, relieves all my stress, etc etc. Yes its a challenge, but it keeps my mind sharp and teaches me to keep calm under pressure. You dont just learn technique from training jiu jitsu, you relate the same concepts to your life. Or atleast i do. I dont know what i would be doing if i hadnt found jiu jitsu (some ppl find god...i found martial arts lol). When i moved down to fargo in january i was 155lbs and literally all but maybe 2 days in january i was shitface drunk, it slowly trickled off as i began to not be able to afford it. I found a job finally in april and began to train jiu jitsu in may (if memory serves me right). Within the first month of training i almost completely quit drinking, began to eat 1000 times healthier and lost 20lbs. Ive kept up all three things since than and continued to train jiu jitsu of course. All i can say is it is one of the most important things in my life. It is going to help define who i become as a person. thats all. peace

I fear im reaching out for something thats not there/ breathless/ nothing to catch me/ just cold air/ bare with it/ cuz life's not infinite/

So its 2010 now, did my radio show thru the transition. It was a fun show, had quite a few callers tonite so i had some interesting small talk during some of the tracks. A girl called in from australia today so that was dope. I did a quick little acapella too about new years, i feel ive been slackin on writin lately so i made myself write a quick little 30sec one (me doin it in the pic above readin it out the notebook i just wrote it in). I guess also i never really got the whole ooh its new years eve thing, cept just another reason to go party, but i mean as far as everyone like coming up with resolutions and such, i guess im just constantly trying to improve myself, not just saying i will the last day of every year. And i dont get the 'out with last year say hello to such and such year'...like its gonna be any different becuz of NYE...people just need to start thinking like that everyday and then they'll get shit done. Anyway i aint mad at em...i just dont personally get it...hope everyone had a fun and safe night, im off to bed, gotta train jiu jitsu tomorow. Peace