I feel like I find clarity sometimes, within relapse of sobriety. It in a way motivates me, but at the same time destroys any notion of short term motivation I may have otherwise. It reinforces my goals, and my strive for succes, while crushing my want to go on day to day. It makes me depressed for a short time, but as the haze wears off I usually find myself happier than when I took that next 'first drink'. Within the moments of intoxication, I have fun, on the outside, I enjoy the company, the glamourization of being out with friends 'partyin'. On the inside, alot of times, I'm numb. I feel like a zombie going through the motions. There are times, however, where I am out to drink, and am genuinely having fun. I have that ability to just let go of it all for a night. A rare occurrence, perhaps, but knowing I am capable is comforting. Upon reflection, amidst a long day of useless time wasted, I ponder the term 'partying'. I wonder what exactly it means, as vague and broad of a term it is. 'We partied hard last night' to me would be an immeasurable idea. How do you determine how hard you partied? Does it measure the number of drinks you consumed? I would think not, because someone consuming the same number, alone, would not be considered partying hard. Does it measure whether or not you got laid? I once again would think not, seeing as those odds are usually not in one's favor. So what does it measure, what does it determine? Why is consuming such a vile chemical, that turns normal people into completely irresponsible morons, so glamourized? And why, in this realization, do I continue to partake? Granted, I do not partake often, or in excess, as much anymore. I can not claim ignorance, but I do believe it has alot to do with conditioning and socialization. Regardless, it is still a mystery, as to what determines 'partying'....