So I guess as usual my mind starts wandering when I lay down to try
and sleep, what if my perception is wrong. What if I am the bad guy, I
mean you totally took my trust and skull-fucked it to death, but now
I'm not 100% sure of your intentions. Did you mean to tell me to fuck
off or did I misinterpret that, am I just some creepy fucken weirdo,
well fuck it, I'm not gonna bother with the stress or drama anyway. So
I really need to step my game up these next few months especially as
far as school, music, and jiu jitsu go...and I NEED a house in may or
ima seriously lose my effing mind! So step 1 find a new job, step 2
find the PERFECT!!!! house, step three have some fucking fun and enjoy
life now and then...swear to god ima just end up stroking myself out
one of these days, and with my luck it won't even kill me, just make
me that much more of a 'hideous fuckin C.H.U.D.' and have to live with
it lol. Anyway gonna try to sleep. Peace

Woke up today feeling extra shitty...coulda just as well died this morning, felt like a hangover...but i havent drank in over a month...combination of stress and exhuastion from last night's training sess i suppose. Luckily i had enough energy to get 2 loads of laundry done before work so that was good. Went to work and thoroughly hated life for the next 7hrs. Hopefully this week'll be a little better, i gotta work the full day tomorow so that's fucken lame. After work went and got groceries...bad idea to wait to grocery shop till its fucken 20 something below out. Got home and ate and am now on my computer listening to some silentarmy and facebookin it up...god im a loser..anyway gonna try to work on some writing, maybe a little on my book since ive been slackin there lately too. peace

Woke up pretty late today, these winter days get long. Sat around bored and alone tryin to find somethin to keep me busy, so i ended up watching a few movies and some whose line is it anyway on youtube. Luckily despite jiu jitsu being closed for new years there was some open mat time again today at 8pm. It was fucking intense, i stuck around for about nine or ten 5min rounds with only 30secs rest between. If you know anything about grappling that's quite a long time and an epic workout. It felt great though to get back in and just do some live rolling. I've only been making it to lvl1 and fitness lately so i havent been working alot on my actual game. I think i held my own pretty well with all things considered, especially with the fact that everyone i train with has a serious weight advantage on me. I dont mind that one bit though, if i get good like that than i'll be able to pull of the same things no problem on guys my size when i start doing some tournaments. Jiu jitsu more than anything ive ever done in my life just sort of calms me, relieves all my stress, etc etc. Yes its a challenge, but it keeps my mind sharp and teaches me to keep calm under pressure. You dont just learn technique from training jiu jitsu, you relate the same concepts to your life. Or atleast i do. I dont know what i would be doing if i hadnt found jiu jitsu (some ppl find god...i found martial arts lol). When i moved down to fargo in january i was 155lbs and literally all but maybe 2 days in january i was shitface drunk, it slowly trickled off as i began to not be able to afford it. I found a job finally in april and began to train jiu jitsu in may (if memory serves me right). Within the first month of training i almost completely quit drinking, began to eat 1000 times healthier and lost 20lbs. Ive kept up all three things since than and continued to train jiu jitsu of course. All i can say is it is one of the most important things in my life. It is going to help define who i become as a person. thats all. peace

I fear im reaching out for something thats not there/ breathless/ nothing to catch me/ just cold air/ bare with it/ cuz life's not infinite/

So its 2010 now, did my radio show thru the transition. It was a fun show, had quite a few callers tonite so i had some interesting small talk during some of the tracks. A girl called in from australia today so that was dope. I did a quick little acapella too about new years, i feel ive been slackin on writin lately so i made myself write a quick little 30sec one (me doin it in the pic above readin it out the notebook i just wrote it in). I guess also i never really got the whole ooh its new years eve thing, cept just another reason to go party, but i mean as far as everyone like coming up with resolutions and such, i guess im just constantly trying to improve myself, not just saying i will the last day of every year. And i dont get the 'out with last year say hello to such and such year'...like its gonna be any different becuz of NYE...people just need to start thinking like that everyday and then they'll get shit done. Anyway i aint mad at em...i just dont personally get it...hope everyone had a fun and safe night, im off to bed, gotta train jiu jitsu tomorow. Peace